Sunday, February 05, 2006

Spiritual Fulfillment

Went to church today. Morning and evening services. I don't know if I've ever felt so empty. It's not the preacher's fault. He preached a good sermon. I don't know if I've ever heard any better. I'm just lost. What made it feel so bad was probably that the people close to my age completely ignored me. They kept cuttin' their eyes at me during the service, but when it was over, they didn't talk to me. I used to be sort of in the same situation as them. I never did anyone like that. I always talked to anyone who came. No matter if they were near the same age, or not, I would try to be friendly. If you've never been a member of a Pentecostal church, you don't know what I feel. I wish you could. Man, it's like seeing someone eating your favorite food, and not being asked to have any. I was kinda hoping the preacher would ask me to testify. If he had, I would have opened up. It might would have embarrassed people who care about me, but I needed to testify.
A person's spiritual life is the most important thing. You feel so empty, and this horrible longing. You try to fill it with relationships and friends, but it doesn't work. I so long for the days when I knew what I was, and where I belonged. There have been so many different people at that church who found what they needed. I've seen it. People who were Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Muslim, even people who worshipped satan. All of them found what they needed spiritually. I can't believe I abandoned it. I think I just needed to experience everything in life, first. I don't know if I'm through, yet. The hope still exists that what this spirit needs will find what it has to have, soon.